Forgiveness

Humanly speaking, forgiveness is easy to receive but hard to give.
Forgiving is an uphill struggle that will require God's help.

凝视胡一刀：《雪山飞狐》的多元复调（教育学院作业）

以下是我自觉比较满意的一篇小作业，特此和各位分享：

《雪山飞狐》中有一位终究没有出场的人物——胡一刀。虽然《雪山飞狐》结局推向一个困境：“胡斐到底能不能平安归来和她相会，他这一刀到底劈下去还是不劈？”，困境牵涉的是出场最多的胡斐、苗人凤、苗若兰三人，可是金庸在《飞狐外传》后记中却称胡一刀为《雪山飞狐》的“真正主角”。虽然胡一刀仅仅在第四回、第五回中，通过小说人物宝树、苗若兰、平阿四先后的叙述显现，可是他却因为成了凝视（gaze）的对象、成了权利论争（contestation of power）的中心，而格外突出。

胡一刀，是胡斐的亡父。原本要化解胡苗范田四家的百年宿怨，却阴差阳错还是和同样义薄云天的苗人凤比武争斗。最后死于后者刀下，却是因为宝树和尚（当年的跌打大夫阎基）心怀不轨，在苗人凤的刀锋上抹了毒。

二十七年前这段因缘，就通过了多重观点叙述，而且观点先贬后褒。一个粗言秽语的假和尚、一位秀外慧中的少女、一个脸带疮疤的仆人，三个再不能不同的人都是“雪山”（辽东乌兰山玉笔峰）上山庄的远客，分别在这一日于这个场景里叙述了自己对胡一刀的不同认识，尤其从称谓可见一斑。宝树先开始讲述当时目击胡一刀的种种，不仅不屑地称他为“恶鬼”，“早知道不是好人”，还不合情理地说胡一刀被苗人凤点中大穴，笑谈片刻后，“两人在桌边一口气干了三碗烧酒。胡一刀哈哈一笑，提起刀往自己颈中一抹，咽喉中喷出鲜血，伏桌而死。”然后，苗若兰受父亲苗人凤耳濡目染，对“胡一刀伯伯”倒有几分敬重神往，还说胡一刀“逝世的情景，却与大师（宝树）所说大不相同”，其实是中了剧毒身亡，“胡伯母”还开解苗人凤说：“咱们家大哥固然不知刀上有毒，谅你也不知情，否则这等下流兵刃，你两人怎能用它？”平阿四后来更道破当年他的救命恩人“胡大爷”其实交待阎基转告苗人凤四家恩怨、杀父之仇、闯王宝藏三件事，以化解胡苗两家误会，阎基非但没有据实相告，还在刀锋上抹毒。

《雪山飞狐》固然是一部第三人称的小说，叙述的内容包括以上的人物、情节，可是这些人物被叙述者叙述的同时，也在叙述胡一刀的事迹还有过去的种种。这不仅仅是多重的叙述结构，也是多元复调（polyphony）。巴赫金（Bakhtin）谈陀思妥耶夫斯基（Dostoevsky）小说时，就以复调作为喻说（trope），并解释“复调”为多把独立的、平等的声音，各为主体，并不为作者的意识形态服务。《雪山飞狐》第四回、第五回论胡一刀的三把声音确实如此，因为它们都从该人物的观点出发，带有人物的语言特色。这时候，三把声音也跳脱了全知观点，个别从自知观点叙述胡一刀。

复调，也因此有戏剧张力。这两回侧写胡一刀，不但全知观点缺席和运用大量的人物对话，还把人物叙述胡一刀的时间和场景限制于这一天和雪山上的山庄。高度集中的人物、故事、场景，通过个性化的对话演示的冲突，营造了戏剧性的张力。山庄，是舞台。文本，是元舞台。读者凝视小说人物，小说出场人物凝视未出场人物。被叙述的胡一刀，是各个主体凝视的客体。他被凝视，如福柯（Foucault）的临床凝视（clinical gaze）和全视（panoptical gaze）所形容的那样，看者看被看者，而拥有权力（power）和知识（knowledge）。看者借由看胡一刀，展开了权利和知识或真理的拉锯。看到“真”的胡一刀、“真的”看到胡一刀，也就掌握了话语权利（discursive power），也就为看者的那一套“真”相正名。女性主义者劳拉.穆维（Laura Mulvey）的名篇《视觉快感与叙事电影》 （Visual pleasure and narrative cinema）就从弗洛伊德（Freud）心理分析的角度，总结出叙事电影中男性看、女性被看也被客体化的观点。可《雪山飞狐》写胡一刀的章节颠覆了这样的逻辑。尽管读者最后能从阅读文本归结出胡一刀是豪迈粗犷的大侠，胡一刀却也是双重受害者——在故事中被害、在叙述中也必须被误解方才被了解。

这是《雪山飞狐》的另一反讽。胡斐至少还能和困境面对面，而上一代的胡一刀，只能被误会所困，由误会所述。一代豪侠，纵使武功难逢敌手，纵使正直仁义，最后还是保不了自己的命、保护不了妻儿、也连为自己说话的机会都没有。

（1383字）

参考书目

金庸，《雪山飞狐》。见《金庸武侠全集评点版》（中国：文化艺术出版社，1998）。
Huang, K. (2008). Looking at Hong Kong: Jin Yong's Return of the Condor Heroes and Chang Cheh's Brave Archer and His Mate. MA diss, National University of Singapore.
Mulvey, L. (1993). Visual pleasure and narrative cinema. In Contemporary film theory, ed. Antony Easthope. London; New York: Longman, pp. 111-124.
Wellek, R. (1980). Bakhtin's view of Dostoevsky: “polyphony” and “carnivalesque.” Dostoevsky Studies, Vol. 1. Retrieved 20 May, 2008, from http://www.utoronto.ca/tsq/DS/01/031.shtml

小便条（写作时切勿参考我的格式！）

亲爱的小朋友们：

虽然只是短短一个多星期没见，可是好像已经过了许久。岁月如梭，似乎很能形容快乐的时光如何飞逝呢。
最近看来有不少老师也因为有要务在身，没能给你们上课，相信他们心里也时时牵挂着你们的进度。你们可要好好地利用他们不在的时间，为即将来临的考试未雨绸缪。
我接下来何去何从，相信一两个月内就知道了。希望有机会回到你们的学校，看你们开开心心地上学，和你们吃午餐jalan-jalan。

黄老师

Offense will come...

I have recently been reading a book about offenses, no offense. Upon returning to my current institute of study I realize that there is still rooted in my heart a deep sense that I have been and still am offended, to the extent that I pretend that nothing is wrong yet refuse to re-establish contact with those whom I shall euphemistically title "the rest." Even if my teaching practice were a honeymoon that foreshadows none of the toil that will await my return, should it be granted, I still miss my TP school very much.

I think (but intellect does not suffice to describe many human maladies) that my pride is why things have gone wrong with me remaining offended after the offense.

It will only do me harm to nurse the offense further with a damning recollection of offenses. So hence I shall cease.

Teaching Practice Statistics

This is a long post that will perhaps rival any auditor's report...

Teaching Practice Figures
Number of weeks spent: 10
Number of Hacks sweets consumed: lost count
Number of Wangwang consumed: lost count
Number of Roches consumed: 24 x 3 = 72 :)
Number of students taught: 34 + 18 = 52 =))
Number of serial absentees: 2-5, depending on the weather and day of the week
Number who told me that they improved: 3
Number of KFC trips: 3
Number of trips to kopitiam behind school: lost count
Number of CTs: 3 > 2
Number of Relief Periods: lost count
Number of classes allocated: 2 + 1

There are some things in life that cannot be quantified nor captured in material form. In the meantime, make do with these pictures which try to convey my sense of gratitude for your friendship all these weeks:

Objects of Recollection (done very quickly on Photobucket, apologies if some pictures were left out because of connection errors while dragging and dropping):

Last Class with 3N23 :)

TBC.

The most memorable moments were getting a tin of Cesar beef (on top of a lovely photo frame) and Ms Ker barging in with the CLB students. Malu-ating... the farewell for this class turned out quite differently from that for the 1E2s, and candy snatching, which was a prevalent sight in earlier days, reprised itself in multifaceted ways.

Lots of absentees, which really is a pity.

A big thank you nonetheless to everyone!

Last Class with 1E2 today :)

Will continue on this after I'm back from the toilet/ am free...
Thank you class!


I was going through the stack of feedback forms from 1E2... 6 students did not submit theirs and 1 submitted his/hers without a name... Anyway, I really enjoyed reading all your comments, though I must say that there are a lot of cuo4 zi4 (but for our common sake, I shall spare all of you the labour of doing correction for this.) There are some common themes that emerged - my too small voice, poor classroom noise management, etc. I agree that I must work on these.

Glad that a number of you enjoyed my less than desirable guitar playing and singing... I will be making a fool of myself for your pleasure again tomorrow, so stay tuned!

An Honest Self-Appraisal

I've just finished reading one student's reflection on my teaching. I must say that, rather than feel upset about her candid remark that my CT does a better job than I do, I feel exactly the same way. Then again, the purpose of Teaching Practice is not to overtake those who have gone before me. Rather, it is to learn from them, but I fear that my training is far from complete - there will still be trials and new disciplines to master in the years ahead, as it is for Padawans training to become Jedis.

I also have this trembling sense that I am still struggling to find my identity in this profession. I am as confused as ever albeit more certain about certain certainties. Then there is the uncertainty surrounding my posting that will not lift until months later. Can I shape an identity despite shifting environments, or will/must the way I project myself depend on the habitat I am in?

The Third Last Class, and counting...

Today marked my third last class with 1E and 3N, as well as my first solo invigilation attempt in this institution. It was with a bittersweet taste that I conducted class amidst their usual clamour of organized disarray. With just 4 more days to go before the end of my Teaching Practice, not merely do the matter of grades loom ahead of me, but also ambivalence towards whether I will be missed.

Catharsis and Updates

What level of teacher-sharing on a blog is considered ethical and not self-endangering?
The Twitter updates below my cbox are what you should really read because it may be updated more often than my blog, usually with cryptic one-liners. Thanks!